My new Zen attitude

The most difficult part of my job isn't the long hours, or the intensity of productions, or the uncertainty of the future, or the challenge of dealing with big personalities (read: divas). No, the most difficult part for me is the time in between productions (read: right now).

On the face of it, a vacation is a glorious thing. Sleeping in, no responsibilities, time with friends and family, the opportunity to read and exercise and all those other things I never do. I am certainly a person who relishes my free time, and the time between shows has an abundance of that. But (and there's always a but) I can really only handle it for very short periods. I love a free day during a crazy tech week. I love an unexpected full 2-day weekend in the middle of a production. I do not love 3 whole weeks away from work.

I know it's irrational, but after just a few days I start to feel useless and without direction. I question my purpose and wonder what I'm doing with my life. Never mind that I'm really content with the way my life is going (read: happy). Never mind that I've quite recently gotten a pretty exciting job offer that I'll share details of as soon as I have the contract in my hot little hands. When I'm not working, I forget all of that in favor of long ruminations about the utter lameness of my existence.

Last night, when I should have been blogging, I was in the midst of an epiphany, or a catharsis, or some other kind of multi-syllabic moment of note. Grandma Bossy took me to a play last night, and while it wasn't my favorite night of all time at the theatre, I did hear its message loud and clear. Mostly because I was hit over the head with it by a 2" x 4" (read: excessive repetition). The message was essentially, "Live in the moment." Not incredibly profound and definitely not the first time I've heard it, but it was just what I needed to snap me out of my mid-vacay funk.

I'm an ambitious person. I want to live an extraordinary life, and in everything I do I am building toward that goal. In a lot of ways this is a good thing. I've moved forward in my career quickly and easily due in large part to my drive and ambition. The flip side, of course, is that I'm never completely happy with where I am, especially when I don't feel like I'm doing anything to directly move forward.

So, back to the catharsis (or whatever it was). Are you ready?

I realized yesterday that maybe I"m already living an extraordinary life.

Huge, right? I'm not saying that the funk is completely gone. I'm still feeling somewhat despondent, but at least the rational side of my mind is aware that things aren't so bad.

Even right now, at this very minute, even though I'm not at work. I'm sitting in front of the fireplace with a cat curled up at my feet, taking advantage of the lovely hospitality (read: wine and wi-fi) of Uncle and Aunt Bossy. And I'm feeling better by the minute.