My spiritual guru

I've never really gotten into yoga, which might surprise you if you've ever met any of my extended family (or had Thanksgiving dinner with 35 of them—just ask CameraMan). CM and I attempted Bikram (if you're not familiar, that's the one where they lock you in a room for 90 minutes and crank up the heat until you cry) several times a couple years ago. It's weird: you're convinced that you're dying pretty much the whole time, and then at the end you have this incredible feeling of accomplishment mixed with an overwhelming need to leave that room. We did not finish out our prepaid month, I'm sorry to say. There is a very small, masochistic part of me that would like to try it again, but for now sanity is winning.

Recently there's been a flurry of Bossy Cousins heading over to a Thailand yoga retreat for months at a time and coming home lean and tanned and happy. I have so much admiration for them, but I cannot imagine doing anything even remotely like that myself. Yoga just isn't my thing, nor is anything that smacks even a little of New Age (or as I usually refer to it: hooey). I cannot get on board with chanting, or auras, or chakras. I see people doing yoga, and it looks amazing (as do they), and I want to be a part of it. But, you know, MY way.

Thank God for Jillian Michaels, who is serving as the perfect spiritual guide for my first foray into the world of yoga. Jillian, who clearly has made the DVD because she was told it was a great marketing opportunity, does very little to hide her total disdain for yoga. She would probably rather be benchpressing Biggest Loser contestants in order to get a real workout. (I, on the other hand, would rather be benchpressing Oreos into my mouth.) There are little hints throughout the workout that she doesn't buy into the whole yoga thing. Whenever she says something like "melt your heart to the sky" she does this little eye roll, and one time she actually refers to it as "yoga speak," complete with epic air quotes. She follows that one up with pledging to "speak English" instead.

I would find it annoying if I wasn't enjoying the workout so much. It's challenging, but manageable, and at the end I feel stretched out and energized. Actually, it's making me want to find a real yoga class and give it a try for real.

If I do, though, I just might miss those eye rolls and air quotes. Who knows of a great Sarcastic Yoga class I could try?