250

Photobooth on my birthday this year

Friends, I am going to let you in on a top secret marriage tip. Though in the interest of full disclosure I feel I must qualify that my research is purely of the anecdotal variety and based only on my own experience, I'm pretty sure this one is going to blow your mind. Are you ready? Here it is.

Spending time living in the same place as your spouse will make your marriage better.*

Mind blown, am I right? I mean, who knew that spending time together could actually strengthen our relationship? Obviously I knew that I was happier when we were together, and it seemed like that was probably true for him as well, but somehow I did not make the cognitive leap that we would also grow closer than ever and better attuned to each other's needs. Weird.

Over the course of the almost 7 years we've been together, CM and I have spent an awful lot of time apart, sometimes as much as 6 months out of the year. We spent 165 days together in 2010, 200 in 2011, 183 in 2012, and 186 in 2013. It was after that all-time high in 2011 that I ambitiously added #85 to the Bossy List: Spend at least 250 days with CM in a calendar year.

Well, I am ecstatic to report that, as of November 8, 2014, I can now cross this item off the list. Better yet, we have no plans to be apart for the remainder of 2014, so we are definitely going to top 300 this year. That's completely unheard of, and it's a direct result of some hard choices we made that are paying off in spades.

85. Spend at least 250 days with CM in a calendar year.


*This is only true if you really like your spouse, I should probably mention. If not, it could have the opposite effect.

Why our marriage is better in Europe

The weather's turning colder, have I mentioned? We've turned the heat on in the apartment and broken out all our sweaters. Also, it's now definitely comforter (duvet, if you like to be fancy) weather, which has reminded me of an amazing, marriage-saving element of living over here: separate comforters.

from the swanky 25Hours Hotel in Vienna

Why share a comforter when you can have your very own? Why bother with hospital corners when making the bed can be as easy as folding two comforters in half and plumping the pillows? If you're always cold but he's always hot, if either one of you is a covers hog or a covers thrower off, if his stabby toenails are always grazing your leg, if she insists on putting her ice cold feet on you to "warm" them, if you are not a snuggly sleeper and prefer to pretend you're alone in bed, there is but one solution, and the Northern Europeans figured it out a long time ago.

Not convinced? Try it for one week, and you just might become a convert.

Vacation beard

I'm suffering from a serious case of Europe Withdrawal this week. The only thing for it is to relive our fabulous summer and plan our next trip (tentatively the month of June in Berlin, but that might change). Shall we devote this week on the blog to all things Europe? Yes, let's.

Starting with my husband's facial hair, of course. Whenever we're on vacation, CM stops shaving, except for the occasional trim to keep things neat. We call it "vacation beard," and I love love love it.

Exhibit A: First day of vacation last summer (at Sekt Comptoir in Vienna)

This is CM's usual look (plus lovey eyes).
Exhibit B: Last day of vacation (on the London Eye)

Isn't he handsome? It's always a sad day when the vacation beard comes off—back to reality.

Do you have any vacation rituals that help you relax? I try never to blow dry my hair on vacation (usually it's like this or like this). Also, wine with lunch never hurts.

Birthday gift tip

Suppose you are shopping for your husband's birthday. And suppose that he is a well-employed adult, prone to buying the things he has his heart set on all by himself without waiting for a special occasion. This would make it awfully difficult to get him something he's dying for as a birthday present, wouldn't it?

Here's what I recommend. In the weeks and months leading up to his birthday, whenever he mentions that thing he has his eye on, that hobby he's wanting to try, you should act like it's the stupidest thing you've ever heard. Roll your eyes, forbid him from buying it, do whatever you need to do.

That way, on his birthday he'll be well and truly surprised when you buy him a whiskey barrel for making his own barrel-aged negronis. For example.

Happy birthday, CM.

A sweet surprise

I keep a post office box in New York so I can receive mail while I'm here. (Oddly, mail carriers sometimes have a hard time finding the Met—how is that possible???) Yesterday when I checked it there was the sweetest letterpress card from CM in there. He sent it using the Apple Cards app!

There are lots of templates to choose from. CM chose the most romantic one (of course). The paper is lovely quality and oh, I'm such a sucker for anything letterpressed, aren't you?

Inside he chose a picture of us from our morning in Florence this summer, and he included a sweet note.

He was able to design and send the whole thing from his iPhone (or maybe he used his iPad)! Each card costs $2.99 (or $4.99 to send internationally) including postage. It gets created and sent automatically without you having to make any visits to a mailbox.

Now I'm thinking of all the people I could send cards to. Maybe it's the perfect way to keep our parents updated on the activities of their grandkitty?

First Anniversary Gift Guide

In the midst of our European adventures this summer, we celebrated our first wedding anniversary (all about the wedding here). We decided it might be fun to give each other gifts each year according to tradition, so this year's theme was Paper. Here's a mini gift guide of ideas for first anniversary gifts.


CM surprised me with this print I had been eyeing from our favorite little shop near Glyndebourne. Now it's hanging in our living room.

I had letterpressed notecards made for CM by the lovely people at Penelope's Press. He's already used some of them!

You can't go wrong with a photo album of your wedding, or your honeymoon, or your first year as boring married people. I love the albums at Pinhole Press—I made a wedding album for CM's birthday last year and we love paging through it.

That's not us. From here.

I love this print, and framed it would make a perfect gift for your partner in crime.

How about a giant blown up photo of your wedding day or a place that's meaningful to you both? I love what Jenny did, and it looks like a DIY project I could actually D.

Via Little Green Notebook

These paper cuts are amazing. What better way to commemorate your honeymoon in Paris, or your first date in Manhattan?

What kind of gifts do you give for anniversaries? Would you follow the yearly traditions? Or is it (just a little, in a good way) cheesy?

Long-distance marriage: how we make it work

Long-distance relationships are such a fact of life in our business that I sometimes forget that not everybody lives like this. Lots of married couples get to wake up together every day, eat dinner together after work, and fall asleep watching late night TV. Together. That's not really our life.

We had 2 amazing uninterrupted months together this summer, and I think I got spoiled. Now here I am staring down the barrel of a CRAZY year (no fewer than 3 separate friends have told me they felt tired when I told them my schedule for the season), and I'm trying to remember how to do this long-distance thing again.

I certainly wouldn't claim to be any expert on the subject. We've been spending roughly half the year apart for almost 4 years now, and it's still really difficult to navigate. At the moment I'm having a hard time transitioning, so I thought it might help to write down how we make it work during the best of times.


We keep in contact A LOT.
I know couples who talk once a day or once every few days when they're apart. That would NEVER work for us. We talk in the morning, sometimes on a lunch break, after work, usually another time in the evening, and before bed. We text during the day and email lots. We send pictures of what we're doing when it's something fun. We Skype, and FaceTime, and Gchat. All of the above. On days we can't talk to each other much, I go mildly crazy missing him (and completely irrationally, I assume he's not thinking about me). And because we talk so often…

We make sure to share the little stuff.
It can be tempting when you're not together to skip over the minutiae of your day and focus on the headlines, but I find that doing that leads to a not-so-great cycle. You haven't told one story, so then another one doesn't make sense so you don't tell that one, either, and before you know it you're not bothering to tell something important because you'd have to lead with so much backstory. We have been known to repeat entire conversations and read emails out loud to each other, which sounds boring but is key to feeling like we're in each other's lives. We're also lucky that we're in the same field, because there are all kinds of weird opera things that we don't have to explain, not to mention the enormous pool of colleagues we have in common.

We see each other absolutely every chance we get.
I've come to realize that for us, the total amount of time we spend together is far less important than the length of time we go without being together. So, if I'm looking at being gone for 8 weeks, even a long weekend in the middle of that makes it much, much better (like next weekend!). We used to always weigh pros and cons of buying a plane ticket (and it was especially difficult when he was on another continent), but now whenever we can get a couple days together we buy the ticket and make it happen.

When we're together, we make it special AND normal.
If we wanted to, every long weekend we spent together could be incredibly romantic, all wining and dining and breakfast in bed. We could table all hut talks and errand runs and just focus on having a good time. We've had weekends like that. They make transitioning back to being together for a longer period really hard, because we forget how to live our day-to-day together. I like a mix: one date night, and the rest of the time we pretend we're a "normal" couple—coffee in the morning, laundry, work, TV in bed, the occasional argument, all of it. When I'm away and missing him, it's usually those small moments that I miss the most.

We make the most of our time apart.
Obviously, being apart sucks, and I've been on gigs where I've spent the entire time a miserable, complainy hermit, just counting down the days until I get to go home. Surprise surprise, that doesn't seem to make me any happier. So I try to force myself to take advantage of being on my own. I read. I study for upcoming projects. I go to the movies alone. I have as many girls' nights as I want. I go to bed freakishly early. I keep the apartment warmer than he would like. I do Rosetta Stone in the mornings. I cook fried eggs for breakfast (CM only likes scrambled). When I'm gone, CM watches TV shows and movies I don't love and is much more productive than when I'm home. I know we would both give up any and all of these superficial things to be together, but it helps to remember the upside of this life. Plus, I think absence really does make the heart grow fonder, don't you?

We constantly re-evaluate.
We've made the choice to pursue work that keeps us geographically apart for a lot of the time. Some days it feels like it's worth it, and other days I can't remember why I would have ever chosen that. Being together is great, and infinitely better than being apart. So we talk about it a lot—what our next steps will be, what we want our life to look like, what choices we could make that would keep us together more of the time. Right now this is where we are, and here is not a bad place to be. But we'll keep talking, and when it's no longer the right choice, we'll make a different one.


What are you doing to survive your long-distance relationship? Any tips to share? We're always open to advice!

Seven months in (and counting)

I read a lot of books about marriage. Some are scientific, some are anecdotal, some are gimmicky, some assume if I'm reading that my marriage is already in trouble (and it's my parents' fault), some are optimistic, some are fatalistic, some prompt me to start conversations with CM, and some get tucked away in the back of my brain for the future.

Whenever I drop this into a conversation, long-married people seem to find it universally hilarious. The idea that reading about marriage might help me to preemptively protect my own prompts much eye-rolling and wry chuckling. Maybe it's evidence of my youth and naïveté—I'm fairly confident that in my parents' entire 38-year marriage (yes, 38!) neither of them has ever picked up a marriage self-help book. But then again, they've also never experienced the shockingly swift unraveling of the one relationship they thought was indestructible. I have. I know that fragile sometimes masquerades as strong, that red flags can look like good omens from close up, that "till death do us part" does not guarantee lifetime happiness. I know, and CM knows, too.

So I read. I read now, while we're solid, loving newlyweds, in the hope that I'll build habits and patterns that will carry us through someday in the future when we're shaky and hurting. I read about other marriages, and in so doing I spend time analyzing ours—what's great about us, what we could do better.

Lately I've been worried that we don't spend enough time really talking to each other. We talk on the phone multiple times a day, of course, particularly when we're apart, but those conversations mostly consist of stories from our days, work talk, to-do lists, etc. During our engagement, we worked our way through a book of 100 questions to discuss before marriage (in lieu of pre-marital counseling, which is hard to do when the bride and groom are on separate continents), which helped us get to know each other even more deeply than we had in the first three years of our relationship. Now our conversations are mostly pedestrian, and although I treasure the day-to-day I also wish for the occasional profundity.

Yesterday over breakfast CM started telling me all about a book he's reading, called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. He's finding it fascinating, and I realized as he was telling me about it that I didn't really know exactly what makes someone an introvert or an extrovert. CM has always identified himself as an introvert, but I didn't think I could even accurately define the word. This led us down an internet rabbithole which ended with both of us taking one of those personality tests online, a short version of the Myers-Briggs. I had taken one in college, I know, but I couldn't for the life of me remember the result. Well, according to the test (and the one we took after that, just to be sure), it turns out we're both introverts. In fact, we both got the same type: INTJ (that stands for introversion, intuition, thinking, judging—you can read a description of the type here).

I, for one, was shocked that we were identified as the same type. I've always thought we were similar as in compatible—we like the same stuff, we get along easily—but that we processed and reacted to things totally differently. After a thought-provoking discussion of our results, I'll admit that I seem to have gotten that wrong. We are so much more similar at our cores than I thought we were, and though it might seem silly to take an internet quiz this seriously, I am finding great joy in discovering our alikeness. This one conversation, simply illuminating something that was already true, has caused a real tilt in perspective.

So I think I'll keep reading, and analyzing, and asking questions, and demanding truth and depth. And though it may be naïve of me, I'll continue to be delighted when I discover just how much I don't know.


Interested in some light marital reading material? Might I suggest:

No Cheating, No Dying: One couple tackles a year-long marriage improvement project. Here's a teaser.

Spousonomics: All about using economic principles to make marriage better and more efficient.

Committed: An exploration of the history of marriage by the author of Eat, Pray, Love.

Lee Anne & Dan • October 18, 2003

From Lee Anne...

On what date did you get married?
October 18, 2003


What do you remember most from your wedding?
Looking out over the reception room and thinking “Yep. These people are so awesome...and they're our friends and family. We are so very blessed."


What's your advice for building a happy and fulfilling marriage?
Hrmmmm—this is something we're always working on: not in the workbook sense, but in the ‘being kind’ sense...I think sometimes when you're super familiar and comfortable it's so very easy to be hard on each other...hold the other to high (unspoken) expectations, expect supreme mind-reading abilities to manifest in laundry being done or groceries in the fridge or a fantastic vacation planned without having to utter a word...but the truth is that we're often cruelest to those closest to us. We try really hard to be loving and nice, even on those rare occasions when we're not agreeing. And I have finally admitted that my ESP is non-functional, and that I cannot make Dan do anything using just brain waves. (Well, I can make him get really frustrated with me for not actually saying what it is I want/need...haven't figured out how to use my powers for good yet, though.) 


Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
Reinvent yourselves when you need to...but do it together. In some ways we're right where we thought we'd be eight years in, and in some ways we're light years away. But we're together and happy, and creating this weird life together!
 

Becca & Craig • May 27, 2006

 

On what date did you get married?

May 27, 2006

What do you remember most from your wedding?

It was our happiest day to date. The entire day couldn't have been more perfect—the ceremony, the party, and especially the people. We were overwhelmed by the love and support that surrounded us and were so grateful for everyone who traveled from all corners of the country to be with us. It was amazing to have so many people from so many different parts of our lives gather together in one place. 

Specific memories— We both remember the first time we saw each other that day. Becca remembers the desserts at the reception. Craig remembers the music at the ceremony. Becca remembers how hot it was standing in an unairconditioned church in Philadelphia—Craig doesn't recall this as vividly. Craig remembers Becca falling while dancing the "Cotton Eye Joe"—consequently, she limped her way through the honeymoon. Becca remembers the ice cream cones that were served to cleanse the palate between dinner courses. Craig remembers how hard it was to collect all of the family in one place to take pictures. We both remember our first dance. Craig remembers how happy Becca and her father were during their dance. We both remember the toasts with great fondness. More than anything, we both remember feeling very lucky, grateful, and humbled by the day's events that have continued to provide happy memories.

What's your advice for building a happy and fulfilling marriage?

Communicate. Share as many dinners together as possible. Find out who does which chores better and stick to that plan. When in doubt, try to laugh. Learn from other happily married couples. When one member of the team is down, it's the other's turn to rally.

Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?

Hm m m m m . . . . . . . we can't imagine having all “the answers” without learning things along the way together. To discover these unknowns together is one of the greatest parts of being married. I don't think either of us would want it any other way. 

 
  

Elisha & Thomas • February 13, 2000

On what day were you married?

February 13, 2000 

What do you remember most from your wedding?

We got married in Central Park. It was stunningly beautiful, very cold and outrageous.

What is your advice for a happy and fulfilling marriage?

This is a very hard question to answer!  That being said, here are a few things that have served us well: Learn how to communicate with each other; remember what's important and matters to you both, individually and as a couple...it tempers the daily grind and can help provide perspective and focus; nurture the relationship and each other; laugh together, often!; build happiness; and work to love, respect, and take care of each other every day.


Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
This one stumped us both, which I suppose could be taken to mean that there's nothing anyone can tell a person that might properly inform them about marriage beforehand. ;)

 

Alison & Keir • October 27, 2001

While we're away on honeymoon (and moving back to Texas), I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

On what date did you get married?
October 27, 2001


What do you remember most from your wedding? 
Keir: Apart from how beautiful Alison was, I remember being surprised at how nervous I was right as the ceremony began! After how many hundreds of live performances on stage, I was really nervous all of sudden!

Alison: What I remember most about our wedding day was the car ride from the church to the reception. It was just us, and a precious few minutes where we just sort of basked in the magnitude of what had just happened. That and the dramatic reading of "Love is patient, love is kind" by actor/singer friend Erik Lautier. It was....highly contrasting. Oh, and the Widor Toccata to end the service. I still tear up when I hear it.


What’s your advice for building a happy and fulfilling marriage?
Keir: It's cliché to say, but open lines of communication are extremely important. I also think it's really important for each person to maintain some facet of life that is individual and independent. We are very much a team, but we each still do a few things that are our own, and I think that is good for both of us' mental health and well being.

Alison: A few things come to mind, some are quite cliché, but ring true to me.
1. Treat "love" as a verb.
2. Be kind.
3. That whole bit about not falling asleep angry is a load of horsesh*t. Sometimes you just need to call it a night, sleep on it, and chances are it won't seem so bad the next day.
4. Accept that you will change and your partner will change. Life will take you in all sorts of directions you don't expect, and that's okay as long as you keep your relationship to each other front and center.

Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
Keir: I wish I had been more aware of the way external stresses, particularly work, can make married life challenging sometimes. I guess I thought work is work, and home is home, but they really do affect one another.

Alison: That relationship dynamics adjust to keep things in balance. As in, both partners can't be: freaking out, depressed, wildly happy, whatever extreme emotion you want, at the same time. The other partner will naturally somewhat counterbalance the extreme. It is important to not take this personally or as a sign of trouble. It is a survival mechanism to help you weather the rough patches of life while still attending to everyday business. Just remember to stay connected, supportive, and loving during the tough times—it will all even out in the end.

Jennifer & Roger • November 12, 2000

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

On what date did you get married?
We got married Nov. 12, 2000 in Paris, France....then we did another one in Portland to make sure it was legal and such.  To keep it simple, we celebrate only 1 anniversary.  We just celebrated 10 years—I really can't believe that!


What do you remember most from your wedding?
Jennifer: Dancers throwing flower petals everywhere after the ceremony......tourists stopping to take photos....rain...champagne....it was all magical.  At both ceremonies, the feeling of being surrounded by our friends and lots of love.

Roger: The bells of Notre Dame tolling as we kissed, plus all Jennifer's stuff.


What's your advice for building a happy and fulfilling marriage?
Roger: To paraphrase Mary Matalin, "is this hill worth dying for?" Remember to keep things simple and don't sweat the small stuff.

Jennifer:  Keep laughing!  Roger and I have loads of fun together....it makes the stressful times much easier to deal with.


Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
Jennifer: Honestly, no—it's a great journey to take together and I appreciate what I've learned about myself and how to be in a relationship. Plus, too much knowing might have scared me away from marriage! 

Roger: Agreed.

Maria & Steve • February 13, 1993

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

On what date did you get married?
February 13, 1993


What do you remember most from your wedding?
Maria: Our photographer told the women that if we held our bouquets down below our waists, we would look thinner. We forgot to pay the guy who played piano for our reception and he came to our apartment that night to get paid. I guess he couldn't wait until Monday. The pastor who officiated was a singer in college and he sang every hymn with incredible gusto. 

Steve: I was expecting one of those Hollywood “speak-now-or-forever-hold-your-peace” moments. It never came.


What is your advice for building a happy and successful marriage?
Maria: It can be HARD to live with someone else and I think figuring out your daily living is a key to being happy together. Think about it, when you get move in with someone, you’re merging your household with someone who grew up with different expectations, routines and, let’s face it, varying levels of housekeeping standards. Love does not conquer all in the “keeping house” department. Maybe your spouse doesn’t see that the dishwasher needs to be emptied, or perhaps one of you leaves their clothes all over the bedroom floor – the logistics of running a household can generate a lot of marital strife. We can (and should) expect each of us to share in the daily work of living together, but we can’t expect our spouse to live exactly like we do. They’re not going to. So, decide what you’re both willing to let go of – it’s a lot nicer to live with someone if you’re not constantly keeping track of all the stuff that drives you crazy.

And, yes, I leave my clothes all over our bedroom floor—I'm working on it. And Steve is actually pretty good at emptying the dishwasher but he does leave empty cereal boxes on the counter all the time (a habit he easily passed on to our two children).

Steve: Continue to be amazed and entertained by your spouse. Over time it’s easy to become complacent. But, she is most likely the same amazing, entertaining person she once was—plus, she’ll continue to bring new things to the table.

Hold each other up. No matter what. You will appreciate your spouse on a whole new level once they’ve supported you through your personal trials.

Kids (if you have them) are wonderful. They are important. And, stressful. Don’t overlook your relationship when kid stresses take the forefront.


Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
Steve: Maria is right.

Maria: We were nineteen when we got married, still in college, and on the verge of becoming very young parents. We were scared out of our minds (and rightly so). I wish I knew then how happy I am now—that all the work and uncertainty is completely worth it. I absolutely adore Steve and I am amazed by him. I think he is a fantastic partner in life, an excellent father and pretty darn sexy. We're pretty good together. When we got married, I knew all this was possible, but, at the time, I just couldn’t see how we would get there. All the stuff Steve wrote above? It’s true and it works for us.

Steve: See? Maria is right.

 

Rachel & Mickey • March 17, 2006

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

 

On what date were you married?
March 17, 2006


What do you remember most from your wedding?
Rachel: I remember being so excited all day and our vows.

Mickey: I was excited to see you in your dress and that our family was there to be part of it.


What is your advice for a happy and fulfilling marriage?
Rachel: My advice for building a happy and fulfilling marriage is to keep a great sense of humor and think of the other person and his needs.

Mickey: Remember to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remember the bigger picture.


Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
Rachel: One thing that I wish I would have known is that it is not going to be easy on some days and then on other days it is the easiest thing in the world. That ebb and flow was hard for me at first. 

 

Cindy & Hector • June 28, 1992

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

On what date did you get married?

Sunday, June 28, 1992. Just celebrated our 19th anniversary! Where did that time go?

What do you remember most from from your wedding?

Cindy: Because I was in So. Cal., where we had two major earthquakes that morning (google it!), I remember being worried Hector wouldn’t be able to fly down from San Francisco in time.  Turns out his flight was delayed, but he still got in several hours before the event, which took place in his brother’s back yard.  As for the wedding itself, I remember that since we hadn’t hired a photographer, we put out disposable cameras all around, and people standing all around us in the yard (we were married on the steps of the hot tub gazebo) snapped pictures all through the ceremony from all angles.  I also remember that my brothers cleaned out the lox from the bagel platter before Hector got there, and he was irked about that… I remember that everything went off beautifully, especially considering that we only planned it a few weeks in advance and spend only a couple thousand dollars.  It was a really happy day.  Oh, and the wedding night was also memorable. :)

Hector: Well, I’m STILL irked about the ‘lox incident’ but I guess I should get over it at this point :).  I was covering a show at San Francisco Opera and that weekend was the only ‘open’ time we had for a long while, hence the early morning flight to SoCal.  I was pretty cranky what with lack of sleep and sitting at the gate while the flight took on extra fuel since LAX was shut down due to the quakes.  Altogether a crappy start to what should be a wonderful day.  But that day WAS wonderful! - a special event to share with family and friends, the minister wore cowboy boots (I think I did too…), we ordered platters from the local market and had champagne from Trader Joes.  It was as low-stress as a wedding could be and I couldn’t have asked for a happier day or a more beautiful bride.  We stayed at the Pierpont Inn in Ventura (lovely Craftsman style hotel) that evening then had breakfast with the family the next morning.  I know there were other goings-on that evening but memory fails…

What is your advice for building a happy and successful marriage?

Cindy: While it is great to have separate hobbies and evenings out with friends, try to do most things together.  Just mundane little trips to the store or to work out or whatever.  Keep connected.  This will make you work the little irritating things out before they can really grow.  I think disconnection is one of the most dangerous things a marriage can face.  When you’re working in far-flung cities, talk and share as much as possible.  Of course, the biggest advice is marry someone you LIKE as well as love.

Hector: Every relationship is different and, ultimately, each couple has to find their own particular way; but I think that we’ve found a good balance.  We spend a lot of time laughing - at ourselves, at each other (gently), at the world (crying would be the other option), and at whatever else captures our attention.  We’ve tried very hard not to competitive with each other career-wise – it can be a real relationship killer.  We support each other’s career; celebrating every success and coping with setbacks together.  We were friends before we became a couple, so I agree with Cindy that it’s critical to like each other as well as to love.  It doesn’t hurt that we’re compatible on stage too!

Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married? Let me in on it!

Cindy: I can’t really think of anything offhand… I do remember being surprised how differently we were treated as a couple after we were married.  We lived together before, as you have, so I didn’t think it would be so different, but it really was.  Perhaps it was just the vows and my response to them, but in many ways it seemed like people took us more seriously as our own little family, once it was legal.

Hector: Not really – it was more traumatic buying a house together – THAT’S when you find out interesting info, but that’s a different story!  Making the decision to get married is easy – if you take the time to get to know your partner beforehand.  If there’s any little bit of info you’re withholding until you’re married… good luck!

Most of all, from both of us, we wish you a beautiful lifetime together.  You have NO idea where you’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years, but if you’re fortunate, you’ll be there together in good health.

Hannah & Brian • October 10, 2004

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

On what day did you get married?

October 10, 2004 

What do you remember most from your wedding?

Brian: Being surrounded by people who loved and supported us; a sense of “arrival” as a couple.

Hannah: Having all of the little things come together the way that we had envisioned.

What is your advice for a happy and fulfilling marriage?

Be honest and open, obviously. Never stop communicating because you can’t actually read each others’ minds. Talk about problems as they arise and not months after the fact. The sooner you air your feelings, the faster the healing time will be.

Keep the big picture in mind. Your relationship is more than the small stuff, so try not to let the little things cloud your view. Your success as a couple doesn’t depend on your ability to fix all of your partner’s quirks and flaws. Remember that you were friends first, and when best friends don’t agree on something, they are still kind to each other.

Hold onto your sense of humor. This is supposed to be fun! 

Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married? 

This probably won’t be THE happiest day of your life, especially if you have children, but it’s going to be right up there, so enjoy every minute of it. Spend your money on the good photographer. Eat the delicious food at your reception. Don’t have your reception in your apartment and DO invite your extended family. They may never forgive you, even if you write them personal notes on actual paper, mailed via USPS, explaining your choice, and then invite them to the OTHER huge party you throw the following summer. Well, they may forgive you, but you’ll never hear the end of it.

Caroline & Perryn • July 2, 1993

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

On what date were you married?

July 2, 1993, in Caroline's hometown of Edinburgh, Scotland

What do you remember most from your wedding? 

Caroline: The music really stands out in my mind – we had a wonderful soprano, Catherine Pierard, sing Mozart and Handel while we signed the register and a friend gave us a trumpeter as a wedding present, so we had the full Trumpet Voluntary as we walked down the aisle at the end.

Then the evening reception was a ceilidh, a Scottish barn dance, so there were fiddles and accordions and everyone danced for hours. My bridesmaid and I had put on a dance class for all our English friends who were coming to the wedding—as Scots, we were brought up on these dances—but the only person who didn’t turn up (because he was playing cricket two hundred miles away) was the groom himself! But not knowing the dances didn’t stop him on the day, he danced every one! I think the image of Perryn on our wedding day that will stick with me forever was him on the dance floor, shirt untucked, pouring with sweat, dancing like a maniac. We all had such a good time!

Perryn: What fantastic fun the whole day was – it was the first time my family and friends had met my theater friends and they all got on so well. We had a ceilidh band and we all did Scottish Country Dancing and it was a riot.  Honestly an event that fully lived up and beyond the expectation.

What’s your advice for building a happy and fulfilling marriage? 

Caroline: Love, of course, but underpinned by tolerance, patience and friendship.

Perryn: The best advice I can give is to make sure that you start off with finding the right person. This seems obvious but if the person you are with is your emotional and intellectual equal, you share the same sense of humour and the spark of friendship and attraction is there then it becomes much harder to screw it up!  People talk about working hard at a marriage and by that I think that they mean that you should not take your partner for granted—and that is not easy (but is hardly work!)

Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married? 

Caroline: To be honest, looking at our wedding photo now—from eighteen years, three children, four houses, three cities, one continent later—I barely recognize either Perryn or myself. We look so young and excited. I am very glad that no one told us that day what the next eighteen years would bring, I think I would have been frightened witless! I suppose, it’s like having a baby, all the fuss is made of the wedding day/the baby’s birth, but some thought really should have been given to the hard work which comes after. Because holding a marriage together amid all the pressures of careers, money, children, in-laws etc, can be hard work. Of course, it’s great fun too, but can sometimes feels like you are riding a roller-coaster with a blindfold on—you never can tell what exhilarating sheer drop or long hard climb is just round the corner.

But, since my parents are about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, we have some solid role models to look to for the next 32 years of our marriage!

Perryn: I don’t care who tells you differently—You can never know on your wedding day that you have found the right person. I never knew how strong we would need to be with the challenges that we have faced, but when we were thrust into a situation that no one could see coming we both had no doubts about how we would deal with those challenges—together and as a team. I guess that means we found the right partner!

Emily & Tom • July 3, 2004

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.

From Emily...

On what day were you married?
July 3rd, 2004


What do you remember most from your wedding day?
I know I'm supposed to say “The look on Tommy's face when I walked down the aisle” or “our first dance as a married couple” or something. But really, the thing I will always remember is the dessert table at the reception. It was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. It was an all-you-can-eat endless buffet of cream puffs shaped like swans, chocolate covered fruit, cakes, cannolis, cheesecake, fondue fountains, and more. It was the first time I ever tasted creme brûlée. I packed up a huge to-go box of sweets and ate it for breakfast the next day.
(I just asked Tommy what he remembers most, and he said “I just remember being really busy.” How romantic.)


What is your advice for a happy and fulfilling marriage?
 Yikes. I'm not sure. But I think these things help:
•Fart jokes
•A wiener dog
•Separate checking accounts
•Cold indifference
But really, I think if you respect each other you can build a strong marriage. Love is great, but respect can do wonders. We are one of those annoying couples that have never had a fight. (Oh, we disagree PLENTY, but we never really fight.) I think it is because we respect each other as individuals. We are best friends before anything else. (The items in my list are very helpful as well, though.)


Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?
We lived together for quite a while before we got married, so we both knew what we were getting into. Bathroom habits and all. (And yet, we still went through with it.) Tommy wishes he had known I wouldn't be a blonde for very long. Good thing he didn't know, or he might have gotten cold feet. Now he is stuck with a brunette. I guess it is a good sign that I can't really think of anything else.

Kathy & Paul • April 5, 1986

While we're away on honeymoon, I've scheduled a series of posts about happy marriages I know, the ones that inspire me and give me hope. You can read them all here.


From Kathy...

On what date did you get married?
April 5, 1986

What do you remember most from your wedding?
Great music, a boiling hot day in the desert, my grandmother hauling one of those ancient early video cameras around, and a long party in a friend's backyard with Paul's band playing. 

What is your advice for a happy and fulfilling marriage?
1. Expect change, welcome it, be brave. "For better or worse" is about the biggest thing you can say. Circumstances will change, you will change. Staying open to and aware of that is important.

2. Words matter, every single one of them. 

3. You should like each other a lot. That seems obvious but I do think it's underestimated!

Anything you know now that you wish you had known when you got married?

Can I answer "everything"? We didn't know anything when we got married—we were quite young and had the great good fortune to grow up together. Discovering our shared life—that's the marriage. I thought marriage would be a support and consolation to me, which it certainly has been. but that view was unsurprisingly self-centered. I did not realize that it would be the most delightful way to practice living, all the wonderful and terrible parts of it, and to practice steadfastness and courage. Better, worse, sickness, health, richer, poorer—everybody experiences all of that in life, married or not. I'm grateful to have the chance to walk the long road with a partner. It certainly has been way more interesting than anything I could have come up with on my own!